Friday, October 31, 2014

76 Immunotherapy

"Remember, it is just a "snapshot" in time....anything can change and anything is possible...."

One of my friends from 5 Day Silent Retreat gave me this amazing message. It seemed impossible at first, but it started to sound convincing as I was gaining back my healthy mind.

I was almost making up my mind what to do next, but just hesitant to declare because it might sound ridiculous and impossible.

The idea was to go to California to cure. I was given this information about Issels Medical Center in Santa Barbara, CA, which is an outpatient facility providing immunotherapy.

As I lost confidence in continuing natural cure, something more concrete sounded good to me, and yet natural approach sounded even better.

And of course the location sounded attractive, although a little far from L.A. where I have many friends, but it is in California! 

Actually I had signed up for my dream workshop by Robert Burridge in Arroyo Grande, which happened to be near Santa Barbara, in early September, and I had already planned a trip. So I could easily add my California stay to make it a healing and art vacation, well if I didn't have to worry about the cost.

I compared in my mind what it would like to be taking further treatments this summer in California or in Tokyo. In California I would drive car to get around in the comfortable California weather, get healthy food easily, staying at healthy friends' who understand my diet, or in Tokyo I would have to walk, take trains to go anywhere, to hospital or to grocery shopping (not healthy enough for me) in the severe summer heat, mainly asking for my sick mom's help, etc.

It's so obvious that I should go to California for cure! 

Sunday, October 26, 2014

75 Pleural fluid build-up

Although I tried to look on the bright side of things, taking healing and treatments to get temporary lull on my health, the pain in my rib cage was apparently getting worse, at the point where I could not lie flat to go to sleep because too painful to get up and lie down, and my shortness of breath was escalating, as I could hardly walk, and climbing stairs was out of the question. 

Once I arrived at work and sat at my desk I felt better finally although I was constantly coughing lightly whenever I tried to speak. I was always tired and sleepy, and my skin was so dry all over.

One day my boss came to me and said, "You look terrible. Please go to see a doctor and have an X-ray." I must have been in denial of decline in my health, because I never thought about taking a leave until I was told that. So I did as told the next day, then was told to go to the hospital immediately because my lungs were filled with fluid.

That was the beginning of July, exactly 2 years after I started working there, and as suddenly as it was, my office work career was over like that.

I called my mother to tell her the situation and asked to look after my daughter, then I admitted myself to the hospital the next day.

From then on, I had to surrender and let go of everything, and let everything in. I had to give up curing all naturally.

I took drainage of pleural space on the right side, to get rid of 2.3L of fluid which had been suffocating me. There were some fluid on the left side, too, however it was decided not to be treated that time.

Then I learned that it was caused by breast cancer. They also detected by CT scan on my lungs that it had spread to my spine, pretty badly.

I could not believe this was happening to me. I was believing that things were going fine, and I was happier and positive, and thought I was careful about my diet. How could that have gone this wrong?

Doctors looked at me just like they were looking at a poor patient who was dying soon. As I declared in the beginning that I did not want further medical treatment for cancer or any medicines related to it, they seemed to be puzzled. But the chief doctor suggested that I should take pleurodesis. Oh no, another medical treatment!

This causes high fever as it takes advantage of the artificial inflammation to make the adhesion work on the pleura. I had to deal with the fever and the heartbreak in my hospital bed.

What will I do now? If what I've been doing turned out this way, what else can I do to heal this?

It seemed hopeless. Then again I remembered one thing I could do: "let go" and "surrender".

Then one early morning a few days later, I woke up feeling refreshed without high fever after night sweat, and noticed that I was so grateful and happy.

I got hit by bliss and could not stop crying for a while, filled with appreciation and love.
I remembered the encouraging messages and words, helpful information I received, and cried. 

Then I thought about my supportive family, and friends who let my daughter stay over to give my mom some rest, and then finally everybody who came into my life in the past, and I felt tremendous love and appreciation to each of them and cried more.

It was funny that I was so happy when I was supposed to be in despair medically. Then after clearing my emotions, I felt something funny next. I felt as if a tiny laughing bag got in my tummy, and it broke up into hundreds of them and spread to my whole body and started laughing. That made me start to giggle. I remembered how funny the guys were at the office, remembering exact conversations and giggled, and other funny things happened before. 

And then I came up with a good idea of healing my body, imagining these little laughing ones go to my infected parts to laugh the cancer cells or bad stuff away.

That day I felt for sure I would be OK.

Monday, June 9, 2014

74 Giving advice to a cancer colleague

Recently, a co-worker took a long sick leave. After a month she came back and said she had to take another one. Turned out, she had ovarian cancer and had hystero-oophorectomy, and after the biopsy, she was diagnosed as cell cancer. 

She was sitting close to me when I started working, observing me how I set up my work station with two thermos full of raw veggie juice and a couple of bins of Dr. Schulze's herb extracts, and curiously studied my lunch-box full of raw veggies and fruit, with weird powder (for colon cleansing).

I told her my story, and she was all interested and told me she was hoping to find a solution without chemical treatments, as she was supposed to decide how to proceed with chemo therapy soon.

I didn't mean to brain-wash her, but couldn't help to tell her that there are many options other than chemical treatments. In her case, she didn't know anything about natural healing or spirituality, but interestingly, she found that her dentist could perform energy healing just because she told him about her situation and the fear for the damage by chemo therapy. She said he was the first one to agree with her and told her there would be options, too. 

Whatever she chooses is best for her, so I decided not to push anything on her. She has been searching for her own path, started looking within as well as outside for help, such as energy healing.

So now I have someone at work that I can share my thoughts and experiences with. 

Saturday, June 7, 2014

73 Series of coincidences

I'm familiar with coincidence and manifestation, but it's always exciting if it happens, and more exciting if it keeps happening.

This series happened during the mid week of May. It started from a small manifestation.

Recently I was thinking of buying a good salt, as a health conscious person replacing most things in the kitchen shelf with organic ones but salt. I realized it's because I was not supposed to take salt when I first I started Dr. Schulze's diet, and I was still living in the past.

Then I thought of this salt, Fleur de Sel (salt flower) of Camargue, France, which used to be my favorite. I was visiting south of France frequently during 1999-2002, and it was one of the must item from the era. 

 I love the package design, the cork lid, and of course the salt itself. "Just a pinch of it makes any food taste better like a magic", said a friend in Paris, who was a great cook, as introducing me this magic salt.  Later on I had a chance to visit Camargue when studying in Avignon, and loved the idyllic scene, just like the painting on its package.

Anyway, displaying this salt in my kitchen reminds me of good life, the days when I was free and healthy, didn't worry about illness or money, but purely enjoyed good food. Sad to say I only care what's less harmful and inexpensive nowadays.

Then a few weeks later when I came home, this salt was sitting on our dining table!

I got flabbergasted and asked my daughter how in the world this salt got here. She said that it was given by her friend's Mom. Yes...they recently moved back from Paris. But did I ask her to get that specific item for me? No. It's a pure coincidence. I felt blessed.

Another surprise was, my mom brought me a part of my long-lost memorabilia. When I moved out from my parents' house, I selected my old photos, letters, awards and stuff from the childhood to pack in a stock box, and later I was told that it disappeared. I was so upset about it, and even suspected that it must have been thrown away on purpose by my brother who still lived there and had hoarding disorder.

Sure enough, my brother, all of a sudden pulled out dusty things from his piles and told Mom to return to me. Obviously they were the part  of my lost things, but not in the box any longer, and awfully dusty and moldy.

It was such a happy surprise, but at the same time with a little bit of anger to him for not telling me about this all this time, and not apologizing. And also invasion of privacy...
But I dared say nothing but thanked him. He said, "good thing they still existed." unapologetically.

At the time I cut down the items to as less as possible, torn up inside to throw away so many things with memory, but now I looked at them, I don't have attachment to most of them. I once gave up on those, too, and I have much less attachment to things in general.

Lastly, I kept bumping into people on the train. But the funniest one is, I bumped into someone, which was like the odds of winning the lottery. A Silent-retreater friend posted on Facebook saying his partner would be visiting Tokyo for the first time, with a photo. Well, when I was working late and about to get on the train, a familiar looking guy just stepped out, with the same exact costume that I'd seen on FB. I called to him right away and shook hands. (Later on we got together for a fun and healthy lunch)

Saturday, May 31, 2014

72 Aural fullness

Speaking of physical issues, aural fullness has been bothering me for about 3months. It happens every morning on the way to work, then it disappears when I don't notice during the day. Obviously it got to do with stress at work, since it only happens during the week without fail,  although it sometimes happened on weekends, when I went out taking a train in the morning (probably conditioned reflex).

It is strange because I don't feel stressed going to work. Actually I like my work. But my left ear becomes stuffy, which seems to imply that "I don't want to hear" maybe someone sitting on my left? Nevertheless,  the gentleman on my left is very nice and keeps good company with me.

Anyway, I observe the moment it happens every morning, and look forward to the day it won't happen. Sometimes it started even I before I left home, or sometimes it didn't start until I transferred to the last train to work. (I usually take 3 trains).

And finally the day has finally arrived! I appreciated so much that I started work with clear hearing. How comfortable it was! How wonderful it feels if body functions normal! 

It must be the Yoga class I attended last night. Besides swimming, Yoga was one of the things I've been wanting to do but never made the extra efforts to make it happen for years. Now that I'm supposed to exercise to reduce pain in my ribs among other physical issues, and my family is supporting me for the luxury after work.

71 Pain in the ribs

So dry skin and short breath issue are solved already, theoretically. Now a new issue took over, which is the intense pain around my rib cage.

It started around last December, after Bon Jovi concert, so I casually thought I had a muscle ache from jumping around too much during the show. But it never went away, and the painful parts changed around. I couldn't cough or laugh, or sneeze because it hurt to do any of them.

It's actually strange that I haven't sneezed for months because my body automatically stops sneeze from happening.

I suspected intercostal neuralgia, or doubted if my breast cancer metastasized to lungs or bones. But none of the symptoms I searched  on the internet rang the bell.

When my healer friend visited Tokyo from Vancouver, she introduced me to her great healer friend, Kevin, and his healing place, and also the New Scan Therapy which is one of the therapies they offer.

I coincidentally found that a long lost friend is currently the number one disciple to Kevin! Soon I found out that the three of us, Kevin, my old friend, and I share the same birthday. 

Kevin is actually a big figure and busy traveling to heal people, throw seminars, etc., but kindly offered me a healing the next day.

During the healing, he told me that my cancer was benign and it didn't have to be removed in the first place, and my body is greatly strained from the surgery. And the pains in the rib is owing to weakened muscles, so he recommended that I should walk a lot.

That  may be true, because I had not been walking much because of the shortness of the breath and fatigue. I used to walk 90 minutes a day last year.

Although the healing was very quick, the next day I felt the difference. The mean pain in my right shoulder (told it was at the beginning stage of frozen shoulder) became easy, and my hair didn't shed much in the shower (been noticed that my hair shed too much lately).

But..the pain in the rib still remains.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

70 Extreme dry skin and shortness of breath

Meanwhile, as I noted in earlier post, extreme dry-skin issue has been troubling me on and off. I didn't make it a big concern on purpose and tried to be friends with it, but with a little bit of fear deep down, to be honest.

The skin trouble subsided several times temporarily. One time the flaky skin got very smooth after a nice long bath in a hot spring after Forest Adventure, or another time when I stayed away from wheat on top of veganism. Or when I was told that it might be a 
symptom of  menopause, which was an eye-opener and a reliever. 

Finally, I found out that I had anemia in a fairly bad stage. So funny I didn't even suspect that. A doctor friend asked me to pull my eyelid down. And wow how white it looked!
That made sense, because besides dry skin, I've been having shortness of breath, and it was getting worse that I could hardly climb stairs these days, which I presumed another menopausal symptom. Now Anemia could cause those symptoms!

And after 7 months of resisting that "I should be fine",  finally I dropped/let go my ego and made an action to try a new treatment.

A good friend of mine who is a healer based in Canada, during her visit to Tokyo, she introduced me to a conventional therapy.

It uses infrasonic sound via a bone-conduction headphone to check frequency in almost 600 organs in the body to project how they are vibrating in 6 levels on the computer monitor, linked to anatomical graphics which could match closest to each patient's data from1600M data consisting of variety of ages and physical conditions, etc. 

And what it's so great about it is that it can also perform treatment in-situ, while the patient sits in front of the screen and observes it.

"New Scan Therapy", that is what it's called over here, was originally invented in Russia for checking astronauts's health before their departure into space.

From the therapy, in addition to where I already guessed to have problems, I found that I had some problems in my uterus and bladder. And by just one or two clicks, I could see the parts getting improved, from the level 5 to 2. (And I noticed the treatment effect the next morning. I didn't feel the urge to go to the bathroom first thing I woke up, and I had much less discharge.)

Coincidentally, at the healing place, I reconnected with an old friend who I had not seen for 20 years. He is one of the top healers there!

Thursday, February 27, 2014

69 Happy painting

Around Christmas, like a magic, all of a sudden I was able to start painting again.

Besides all the things I appreciate nowadays, this Christmas gift has been the most grateful one so far. It took me so many years to get to this point, although it is just a beginning.

I don't know why, but I'd been feeling guilty or worthless if I could not paint. 
I was always wishing I could find a breakthrough and start painting like maniac day and night, filled with ideas all the time.

But in reality, there was always too much thinking, too much stress, fixed idea that I should paint better or in particular style which should be different from anyone...etc. to be in the way.

I never liked any of my paintings especially the ones that I put for my show in Tokyo. I was under condition, and couldn't open up to paint what I truly was.

Always doubt, ambivalence, uncertainty filtered my color, expression, brush strokes, and dulled down everything.

Now I enjoy painting, and paint because I want to, not because I should. 

I still got to loosen up much more, because I often catch myself getting caught in too much details when I hear a little voice saying, "no, the color should be this way, and the shape should be more that way..." in fear of making "mistakes". 

I want to paint the way it makes me happy, and the way it frees me more. It's like a therapy. I got to keep reminding myself to ENJOY!

Sunday, February 23, 2014

68 Opened for music

The next two months after the short trip to San Francisco Bay Area, our life opened up for music.

It started out with the rock concert I made reservation months before as a Christmas present for my daughter. Until then I hadn't given permission to myself for going to concerts because it's too expensive, but I broke it finally to allow ourselves to have fun. 

How I used to love going to concerts! I gave up so many things I loved to do just because of the "story" that convinces me that I cannot afford them or that I shouldn't prioritize my own fun. 

And of course we both enjoyed the concert 120%! I even dug out my concert outfit from 20 years ago and dared to put it on for fun. 

This "pure fun" for music led us to more music. 

I used to play guitar in a band for fun, but I didn't have a guitar with me any longer. I couldn't afford to add my Les Paul in a soft case to the minimum baggage for my new life, when leaving the old house. And ever since, a guitar was never in the higher chart on my wish list.

But one day at work, I overheard a guy sitting across from me saying that he was going to sell his Les Paul for an affordable price. Before I knew it, I asked him if I could buy it. It came in a hard case, too!

Coincidentally, a Fender Stratocaster was sent to my daughter after a few weeks from her father as a gift. He knew she was interested and decided to give one of his away to her. All of a sudden we got 2 guitars in our humble apartment! 

So we went to a music store to get an amp and small parts for our guitars, and besides all the rock stuff,  my daughter was also interested in the violin, so she tried it out while at the store.

This developed into a whole new ado about "violin/viola lesson." She tried both violin and viola lesson, and even attracted a couple of chances to be invited to strings concerts without asking.

These coincidences really explain how easily life unfolds depending where we point our noses at!

Friday, February 14, 2014

67 Memorial Tour in the Bay Area

All I was told from the bereaved family then was the memorial service would take place at San Francisco Bay in sea burial style sometime during the weekend of mid November. 

I was able to make this 3-day 5-night trip to the Bay Area (that's all I could afford to)  in my favorite "let-it-happen" style without car or hotel arrangements, but it turned out the best anyway.

I arrived in freezing SFO at night, picked up by my long lost friend from the art college. I felt like home seeing her, as her place was always my home every time I visited the Bay Area. 

The ceremony took place in the next morning, departing from a harbor in Sausalito. There were some old familiar faces as well as some new ones but mostly already familiar by Facebook. 

It was intimate and beautiful, with heartfelt saxophone performance by our old friend. Returning him to the ocean was the brilliant idea by his little sister, as he loved the ocean, always diving and fishing. 

The young lady who made this ceremony happen also flew in to join, and among the bereaved family and close friends, she was also crying on the boat, as well as at the memorial lunch which followed, where everyone shared memory of our dear departed. She said in tears, "It's so amazing how he touched my life so deeply when I only met him for a few minutes." 
After the beautiful ceremony, I decided to stay with my new friend who was close to the dear late friend in his last years and found out about his death first. She gave me a ride to her home in Nevada City. What an adventurous trip it was! 

She is a social worker, helping homeless people. And she told me that our dear late friend also helped so many lives and inspired people by his music performance on the streets and at local cafes.

She also is vegan by the way, and it was perfect to adjust my slack diet back to what I first started, since California is vegan friendly.

I had no idea but Nevada City had interesting culture, artistic galleries reminiscent of Berkeley, music performance everywhere, organic grown vegetables, and unpaved roads, full of something I had not experienced in daily life.

After paying a visit to his friends and given hugs from them the next day, I headed back to the Bay Area by Amtrak, then picked up again by my old school mate to take the memorial tour in our old school, my old neighborhood, and our favorite cafe in Berkeley. We had so much fun!

During the whole trip, I felt my dear late friend's presence and could sense him laughing, much happier than what he had been for the last few years. I bet he set me up to reunite with old friends and also new precious friends. 

Thank you, my dear old friend! I enjoyed every moment of the trip...and I know it's leading to something even more wonderful.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

66 Amazing episode of how the memorial service was made possible

Through this sad incident I became close to 2 lady friends of his who joined me to investigate where his body was and what really happened to him. According to the Social Security Index, he was supposed to be in CA, however one of the ladies did talk to him on the phone 3 days prior to his last day when he was staying at a motel in WA, on his way to Seattle. This did not make sense and we wanted to help solve this puzzle.

We contacted his family and stayed patient until they made action against their sorrow and confusion.

It turned out that one day in October, this young lady, working at the motel near Seattle where he last stayed and found dead due to his heart failure, kindly searched him in Facebook and contacted one of the ladies who originally posted the Social Security Death Index data to let people know about his death.

Her message was forwarded to his family right away, and they could stop the funeral in the last minute and arranged delivery of his urn to his family in San Francisco.

She only briefly met him when she checked him in, but somehow even the minimum communication with him gave a huge impression on her. So she was greatly saddened when she learned that he passed away the next morning and that the police had not found his family yet, although he wasn't the first who died in the hotel in her career.

After 3 months she learned by the local newspaper that his body was still kept at the local coroner's office but finally going to be cremated and buried with other 2 without family. Though she strongly wished to attend the funeral, she was not allowed to take a leave from work that day, so instead she decided to pay her visit to his grave. On her way, she learned that his burial was postponed until the next few days due to the maintenance issue of the vault. So she went home and made the search on internet.

Purely amazing. That's how this memorial service was made possible.

65 The Bay Area Calling

Around those days, I became so homesick for the Bay Area for no reason. 

Oakland was the first city I came to live in the USA to learn illustration at an art college in the late '80s. It was the biggest change and challenge in my life especially because I never left my family in Tokyo until then.

I only spent a year there since I transferred to a bigger school in L.A., but the first year I spent in the Bay Area left a strong impression on me, so I ended up visiting there once a year at least, and I enjoyed the travel by driving each time.

It only seemed yesterday the first day I arrived with my suitcase to SFO, to Rockridge station by BART, to the school apartment with mixed feelings of hope and fear. There I found that I had to buy my own beddings, and one of my roommates took me to shopping and showed me what I had to buy. (I had no idea how each bedding item was called, the size system, etc.) Everything was new to me and there were full of surprises everyday.

It all came back fresh to me how the school cafeteria smelled like and what I first ordered there, my favorite cafes to do homework with friends at night, the night view of the Bay Bridge from our apartment...

I would usually think of L.A. to visit, but that time nostalgia to the Bay Area was prevailing. Soon I reconnected with my old school mates from the era on Facebook, and I was hoping to find company for my nostalgic trip which I was aiming in winter break.

Soon enough, I knew why I was attracted to the Bay Area. I found this shocking news on FB that my dear old friend from that time had been dead since early June.

He was a senior at the art school and was like a big brother to me, a local but born in Japan therefore bi-lingual and bi-cultural, just perfect for me to learn a lot from. He seemed to be friends with everybody on campus, and was friendly to anyone he came across, even to a street person asking for a drag. Most of all, he was the first-ever spiritual person whom I encountered, and inspired me all along the line. 

For me he always played a pivotal role in my life, to introduce me to new career opportunities or important people, which and who always took me to the next level.

He was such a free soul, and nobody knew where he'd gone to or what he'd been up to until a good friend of his found his death by Social Security Death Index 3 months later, although at that point nobody knew where he was last or how he died, etc. 

This news saddened so many people, as he'd touched so many lives. I was just one of them but fortunate enough to be invited by his family to his memorial service at San Francisco Bay.

This was how my dream came true in November. And naturally, I reunited with long-lost local friend who was also a mutual friend of his, and I got to take the memorial tour together with her in Oakland and Berkeley.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

64 Physical symptoms of stress

Once I got emptied, I felt like starting anything new, like I was sitting in front of a white canvas. I used to think it's too late to start anything i.e. career and relationship when I was in the late 20s and 30s seemed so laughable. I was only condition-minded.

Right after I tuned into the state, I was told by my boss not to work overtime. 
Less income, but more productive time at home! I assumed that must be the next path to follow for my next goal, whatever that might be.

Often physical manifestation takes time for me, and especially physical reaction comes in delay. I had melena a couple of weeks later after I pulled myself together, so I took my diet more seriously, and took care of my body as much as possible. Maybe the extra time was given for me to rest.

This was in summer, and within a month, I heard from the group home that there would be a room available for my father. By his care manager's advice, we had applied to a group home near his place where they put him on the waiting list, and his turn came unexpectedly sooner. He would not have survived the summer otherwise.

I and my siblings decided to make a move ASAP. He lived alone in a place without air-condition, gradually going senile, even though he tried not to show us. 

Since our parents divorced, I was the only child who kept in touch with him once in a while. Cynically enough, on my operation day, I received a call from my uncle, his younger brother, telling me that he needed special attention. It took me a while to come to take care of him finally, and I asked my brothers to help him move, sorted things out and cleaned up his place in the apartment without air-condition in the severe heat of mid August.

Gosh, he did keep a lot of things!

So he finally made it to comfortable home where everything be taken care of and safe. Only he complained that he'd miss his freedom. 

This move was physically and mentally tough, but I dared to make our mother's 70th birthday trip to our old resort town in the mountains with nice hot spa, to get away from it all. It was so nice and  refreshing. I loved the smell of the deep green forest and the crisp clean air, enjoyed the little chilly morning in mid August. 

However, at the end of the trip I found something no-good was happening to my body. It seemed like rash, then it slowly grew to extreme dryness. I will refer more to this later.

Monday, February 10, 2014

63 Happy empty-handed, full of hope

Around the same time in June 2013, several incidents happened to me, all related to paternal or male relationships. 

It started with a call from my father's care manager, telling me about aggravation of his symptoms, which meant I needed to make some decisions soon.

The next day, instead of apathy as I always had, this voice/feeling came out for no reasons: "I am so happy to be your daughter!" I was crying on the morning train. 

The following day, my dear old friend passed away on his long journey. Actually I had no idea until I finally learned about that months later, which was another pivotal event for me and it also led me to a new phase of life. (Life is so interesting, isn't it?) 

Also on the same day, someone unforgettable from the past came to contact me to remind me that I still had unresolved feelings. That opened my eyes and made me realize that I was inviting the similar situation again with someone else, and I was actually falling into the same rut. It was very tricky because it seemed so rational and positive, but the truth is it's slowly hurting and killing myself.

I suffered from uncontrollable anger that day. I was scared of letting go of what I thought as "safety net", and having to start all over again. But I wanted to be truly happy eventually, and I knew I had to correct my direction for that.

Meanwhile, there were also good things going on. The family issue from the previous months were taken care of and much improving, and some happy events were taking place on the surface. I focused on whatever was happening to enjoy every moment and handle anything with maximum care, giving no chance for negative "thinking" to sneak in. 

I embraced the grateful and sad feelings together as a whole, and to lift my spirit, I used "Effective Questions" to break through to the brighter side effortlessly. 

And finally, after emptying myself out by dropping everything, no vague expectations or safety nets to hold onto, I felt so LIGHT!

For the first time in my life, I knew how it felt like to feel happy empty-handed but full of hope, ready to grab all the new goodies.

How I was full-handed, afraid of dropping anything.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

62 Old family issues and check-up

Appreciating and letting things be or happen became my second nature by then. And besides many things were improving including work and living/home environment, just at the right timing, big tidal waves of old family issues surfaced up and started occurring.

Family relationship has been one of the most difficult things in life for me. I thought I was getting better to deal with them and feeling OK, but there were deeper issues which I had overlooked unconsciously, that I had to feel and face with.

Thanks to my recent achievement to a certain blissful state, I could handle these unpleasant events in my most calm and rational state, and even enjoyed them as interesting experiences in a way. And they certainly helped improve relationship in the family as a result.

Just that I was not in the highest high during these events, I did not feel like going to have my annual check-up on my breast cancer. It's been a year already.... I was amazed how far I had come since then, and filled with appreciation.

I consulted with my retreater friend about my feelings for check-up. I was told not to go if I didn't feel good about it. Yes, I was AFRAID and not ready to face it yet. I didn't feel like seeing the doctor who told me "you'll be sorry." What if I have a recurrent of breast cancer? I wouldn't take chemical treatment anyway, so what's the use? And I didn't want to go through mammography which is radiation. Well, I only want to prove that I am cured, but since cancer tends to recur within 2 years, so I  decided to come back when I feel sure by then.

Instead, I went for my thyroid check-up. There I was a bit disappointed to learn that the tiny cancer was still there in the same size. Well, nobody knows if it got much smaller but came back when I felt negative. Anyway the good news was that there was no action or medicine required.